I just now realize that it has been over a month since I have posted anything and I am now starting a new blog entry with the tired line of “Gee, I haven’t posted for awhile.” Sorry about that, but really writing is best when you are honest.
I have spent the last month preparing for a sale, which was a success (the photo above is from that—more later), traveling to visit family for the holidays and falling down a rabbit hole of movie watching, which if you know me then you know how easy it is for that to happen.
Years ago, I went to a doctor who told me that if I was feeling like I needed to lie in bed all day, then do, because eventually I would get out of bed and continue on. This was obviously before the invention of Netflix streaming. But she was right, I do eventually want to get up and out and carry on, though I also want to crawl back into bed and watch old movies. It was the first time in my life someone gave me permission to not feel bad about what I was feeling, but rather to feel it, move past it and know I would probably feel it again. Like most things, it is a cycle.
As I have grown older, I realize it is one of the things we don’t allow as much space for, for ourselves or for others, to just feel how we do. Feel petty, feel insecure, feel sad. It makes it easier to feel open, feel joyful, feel peaceful. Feel, get through to the other side and go forth.
Do not confuse this with dwelling. No, don’t dwell. Recently, my nephew took a massive tumble over a coffee table when I was watching him and his little sister. He is going to be 5 soon and is a big brother now, but man that tumble was rough. His sister, who is almost 1 turned into a crying puddle of Yorkies being stepped on by Great Danes. It was amazing to me how we could go from laughter to utter chaotic pain and devastation in about 5 seconds.
I put my nephew on the couch, and gave him a bag of ice for his head. I comforted him. His sister meanwhile never stopped crying. It was like she suddenly realized shit was happening and mom wasn’t there. I put her on my lap and bounced her while he cried on the couch. And then he stopped, but she didn’t. As she continued to cry, he would do a little pretend cry to keep it going. I simply looked at him and said, ‘Cry if you need to, but don’t waste your tears when you don’t have to. You will need them later.” He looked at me, scrunched up his face in utter confusion and stopped. And then of course he asked me why. We talked about how things can hurt, but eventually hurt can go away. Let it go away, I told him.
His sister eventually settled down to a low puddle of Chihuahuas being stepped on by Corgis, but it was hard to comfort her. I did my best and we continued forward. The minute her mama walked through the door, she was done crying. Feel it, get through it and go forward.
I did not mean to start this post with this story. I wanted to share with you what I have been doing for the last month, but that is pretty much it. The above photo is of 4 little girls I created portraits of when I had my sale in Bend. They are so sweet. It was a good experience for me to remember how magic happens. For those little girls that day, I made magic. “How did you get so good at that?” they would ask me, their eyes wide, mesmerized.
“The same way you get good at anything,” I’d tell them, “love it and practice.”
I feel happy when I look at their pictures. I feel happy to know that there are these 4 little girls in the world with portraits of themselves reminding them to listen to their heart and that they are utterly beautiful. Sometimes, I think I am suppose to do more, be bigger, go farther, but really, that is one of the greatest things I can do– love something, practice it. Feel it and go forward.